THE DARK DAYS OF DIVORCE
June 2019-December 2019
The Dark Days and what led to becoming “Second Chapter Nomad”: After three years separation, living under the same roof, a shadow of myself. Empty nester. Dog died. No car. No self respect. Hardest thing I’ve ever done. Filed for divorce when I realized Ex wasn’t going to do it. From the journals.
(2024 update – I was “asked” to edit this and delete some things. So much I have still not shared publicly. This is the bare bones. It’s important to share, remember and acknowledge just how bad it was. To see how far I’ve come. To see how far you can come. So read if you dare. It’s raw and painful. The travel sections of the blog are full of fun and adventure if you prefer! This is MY story and MY feelings. )
June 27, 2019 I filed and fled to Scotland. I am NOT a victim. NOT pathetic. NOT passive. Strong. Empowered. Take action. I will succeed. Reclaim my life. I lost nearly everything. I will start over.
July 28, 2019 Court papers officially filed; July 2, 2019 he was served. Anxiety all time high.Keep moving forward. Peaceful. Calm. Least conflict possible. No rush. Need self respect, independence, freedom.
July 13, 2019 Galway, Ireland.(film fest) Bought Claddaugh ring. Divorce ring. Liberated. Detached. No emotions.
July 15, 2019 The albatross is the family home – my children’s home. Reality of divorce, the finances, a million things to take care of. When filed, all assets frozen. No access to anything but my new credit card in my name. Borrow attorney fees from parents. Set up bank account in my name. Reality is scary. (important info to know when filing for divorce)
SEARCHING FOR PEACE
July 18, 2019 Edinburgh. Wonderful, peaceful apartment. Positive vibes. Rogue and company here.
July 24, 2019 Used to be my anniversary. Strange. Scary legal forms arriving. Tough day. Bittersweet. Took myself out for oysters at the Wee Restaurant, then folk music at the White Hart.
July 27 2019 Daughter’s 21st birthday. Another bittersweet moment. Far far away.
L.A., NY
July 28, 2019 SAY music awards Scotland with the Rogue. Found out about death of John Ferriter. The reason I met the Rogue. Shocking. Flew to NY to celebrate daughter’s b-day belatedly. Then LA with Rogue for Ferriter’s funeral. All surreal. Malibu drive. Perch downtown LA. Divorce forms arrive. Pull over side of the road to DocuSign. Took Rogue to airport (will see him 3 weeks later).
In LA alone – met two random older divorced women who lifted me up. I was sick with anxiety, stress over horrible divorce forms. Must persevere. Second chance. Second life. My time. Just want fair. Need kids to understand. Their dad has $ and power. I must succeed on my own.
Aug. 6, 2019 Devastating day at attorney’s office. “Get a job”. My writing doesn’t count. Went to beach. So sad and empty. My hometown has become a toxic place for me. My parents are all I have there. Oddly Rogue is my support. Don’t know why put in each other’s lives.
Aug. 9, 2019 Rollercoaster. Rock bottom. The unfairness. I have nothing but I will succeed and I will support myself. Prove myself. So demeaning of women.
8/15, Messages and talks with the Rogue.
8/18/19 Stomach in knots over everything. Such anxiety, stress, unknowns. Going on one way ticket to Ireland. Must have projects go well. Need time with my son (his university graduation), and my parents.
FAMILY HOME
8/19/19 Still in the family house. Ghosts. Memories. Anxiety high over incoming call with Ex.Overwhelming sadness and loss of purpose. To gain self-respect I have to lose everything. Court set for 9/17. No $ until then.. Such negative energy. Ultimately alone. So confused about future.
8/20/1 Much better day. Morning beach walk. “Get a job.” Must prove wrong. Succeed with writing.
8/21/19 Daughter moved into senior house at university. Bye for at least a month. Think rock bottom is over. Messages with Rogue.
8/22/19 Leaving tomorrow!
SCOTLAND
8/27/19 Edinburgh. Got lost in the Rogue vortex for 3 nights. Fringe festival. Arsenal. Jet lag. I’m a mess. Blur. Ferris wheel. Got to rein myself in. Focus. Meanwhile feel bomb ready to drop with divorce. So vulnerable. Insecure.
8/29/19 So nice having parents here in Scotland! Great comfort and delight. Their big trip pre my Son’s graduation from Uni in Ireland. No idea my return or plans or destiny/fate. Train to London today for meetings.
8/30/19 Negatives – Ex’s papers and court declaration is awaiting me. Sick to my stomach. Later: Ex’s docs weren’t there, so delayed agony.
8/31/19 I’m staying. Scotland/Ireland/London. Massive momentum.
DUBLIN, SON’S UNIVERSITY GRADUATION
9/1/19 Dublin. Mom and Dad with me. Hours on legal response. Maddening and liberating at same time. Eve of son’s college graduation. Pensive. Reflective. I did a great job raising this kid! I hate there’s a dark cloud on event. Refuse to be dampened by betrayal and darkness. I’ve always risen above. So proud of my son. I want his happiness. Success.
9/3/19 Whew. What stress/anxiety, highs/lows. Exhaustion. Ex and I at graduation ceremony. All night on legal declaration response.
9/6/19… night before… stomach churning legal docs submitted. Very ugly. Still no $. Cut off since 7/11. Terrible! Court tomorrow. Need to be strong. Woke up to legal update – the legal fees!! Want to vomit at how this has escalated. My life is in shambles. Feel the abyss closing in. Talk with attorney. Reality hitting. April trial?? No $ til then. Sucks. What is solution?
BACK TO EDINBURGH
9/13/19 Stomach churning every day. Cute apartment all alone. Daggers in all directions.
9/14 – Stomach always in knots. Pain…. Really struggling. Divorce is shit.
9/20/19 Crazy five nights with Rogue. His band rehearsal. Breakfast. All day. Another rehearsal. Then train to London. Salon de The meeting. Met Kozue and Ashiri on train. Dinners, a gig. Raindance opening night. Train back. My place again. Dirty Dicks. Concussion incident. Dundee gig. More court docs. Can’t handle reality.
LONDON – EDIN – LA – SB – RUN RUN AWAY
9/25/19 Back to London; meetings, Electric Enemy gig; Back to Rogue messages. Need to detach. So complicated. Move on. Gonna be hard tomorrow night. Goodbye.
9/28/19 Rogue’s gig in Edin. He disappeared after gig. So no goodbye.
9/30/19 Edin – D.C. – LA It’s time, but sad too. So much to do in LA. Can’t imagine being in SB. Legal and Ex seem far off. Detached. Doesn’t feel real.
“HOME”
10/5/19 SB. “Home”. 6 weeks later. So weird. Ex here. 2 hours conversation. Anger. Sadness. He’s a mess emotionally as well. I’ve run from my feelings these past 3 1/2 years, especially last 3 months.. Can’t go backwards. Do not want to be married now. Don’t want drama. Want it done. Want my personal success. Under same roof again, during endless divorce proceedings. Torture.
10/11/19 Another birthday. 53. Don’t know about this house. Still love it. Comfortable even with the ghosts. Of what was, but isn’t.
10/15/19 Ex disappeared -another country? Non responsive. Baffling. Rogue silent.
10/17/19 All time high anxiety. Physical, emotional wreck. Ex coming tonight. Such stress. Going to LA.
10/20/19 LA hotel with friend Lisa. Night out with Loretta. Bright lights, big city.
11/5/19 American Idol with my son’s best friend. A highlight during dark times. Met Ryan Seacrest and the rest. Back to SB tomorrow.
11/12/19 Back in SB. My beautiful family has disintegrated. Who would’ve known the “perfect” family would be shattered. Back in SB alone. 2 days to prep Scotland/London. Need to write and reflect. Solitary. Whispering muses.
11/15/19 Read and repeat. Be successful. Confident. I miss my Son. I hope Daughter comes.
SCOTLAND, LONDON
11/17/19 Scotland. “Neverland room”. Kylo dinner with Rogue. Spent all weekend with me.
11/22/19 Went to London. Felt empowered. Great meetings. Positivity. Now I’m alone back in Edinburgh. What is the answer? Running away isn’t happiness. I miss my kids. Will lose my home. 53. A woman is done. Please, the writer in me – let me have success. I don’t know what my future looks like. Feels grim.
11/29/19 Thanksgiving. Non traditional but at least I have Daughter in Scotland. A few special days in Edinburgh and then London together. So special and needed to reconnect. On flight London – LA. Reflections. Really torn.. No clue what to do. So conflicted.
12/2/19 – Divorce – no progress, no communication. Want it done. Home must be discussed.
12/5/19 – Need to clean out house.
Need 2020 to be POSITIVE.
12/7/19 Getting organized in SB. Overwhelming stuff to clear out, deal with.
LAST CHRISTMAS 2019
12/11/19 On a massive roll cleaning out the house. For Christmas. For me. Before the kids are home. Memories. Weight. Anchor. Could be paralyzing, but numb now. I just want to run and be free. Live for moment. Friends, fam, read, music, food, drink, work out, nature, travel. Experiences over things.
Loving new friendships like Loretta. People come at a moment in time when we need each other.
Breaking away. Ghosts in the house. A life that is no more.
Untethered. Need $ for freedom.
Right now, this moment, for me.
12/12/19 Trying to stay positive. Threw away so much stuff. Got Christmas tree with my dad. Decorating for fam. Excited for kids. Want all good. “A Marriage Story” film – so authentic and accurate how marriage devolves. So sad. Ex will not talk. Want this done. Things that bring me to my knees – found crystal from mom – for our 15th year anniversary.
PUTTING MY LIFE IN STORAGE
12/17/19 Blindsided at attorney appointment that Ex wants to buy the house from me. He’ll keep the family home. I have no car, no home, can’t even get a phone on my own. No $. Unreal. Got a storage unit and started moving stuff. Big move. He’s out of the country. I’m out of here. Thank God for supportive friends and family. Focusing on me right now. I can start to see a new life.
12/20/19 GUTTED. Ex does intend to buy the house. ASAP. The memories. Bittersweet. I made this a home. My touches. I am home for the kids. Babies, toddlers, a dog, squishy feet, padded paws. A life. Relegated to dusty boxes in a ten by ten aluminum shed. Moving on.
12/21/19 Wept for hours last night.Woke up resolute again. Boxed at the gym. And boxed LOL – storage.
12/27/19 What a few days. Go from weeping to strength. Torture. Last Christmas. Seeing/feeling is excruciating. Packing, boxing, disappearing. Ghosts. Empty walls. Shell. My kids. Pain. Need it over. So much to look forward to in 2020. SB film fest, NY Eve, Ireland, Berlin, film projects.
1/1/2020 Wow. Rollercoaster on every level. 2020 cannot come soon enough.
2020 Divorce in the thick of it January-March 2020: FROM TAKEOFF TO LOCKDOWN 2020 (more from the journals – after three years separation, and 6 months after getting courage to finally file for divorce, still under family home roof together; hell; but got storage unit and threw everything in)
HERE COMES 2020
1/7/20 After last Christmas holidays in the family home, took Son to LAX yesterday, back to Dublin. Goodbye. Daughter back to USC. Goodbye. My job is done. House such a mess. Endless work to be done.
1/12/20 Bittersweet “This is your Life” looking through/sorting/ packing 20 plus years of my life.
1/22/20 Contract for a script option. Best dream after “Get a job!” court papers. It’s been so toxic. My stomach ill. Almost signed for an LA apartment. So stressful. 2 weeks till Dublin. Need to get out. Noose around my neck is this house. Endless moving. Distraction is film fest and shooting a short film.
ONE WAY TICKET TO DUBLIN, FEBRUARY 2020
2/3/2020 On plane to Newark, then Dublin. The great escape. One way ticket.
2/11/20 Week in Ireland with Jacq & Son. Such bonding with my lad. Belfast for screenplay meeting. Dublin Film Festival – met Boomtown Rats.
LONDON, EDINBURGH
Feb. 2020 London Wonderful fashion show by my dear friend designer Chanel Joan Elkayam. Valentines Day with a bunch of married friends.
2/15/20 Dreams. Hopeful.
2/17/20 48 hours with the Rogue in Edinburgh.
2/20/20 More Rogue. I’m so happy here. Divorce drama at home. Months to go. Nothing for me to do. No apartment, no car, nothing till it’s sorted. Peace and positivity here. Everyone comments on my glow.
BERLIN 2020
2/22/20 – Berlin European Film Market; feel my best self. Optioned another script! Irony as I’m now told I have court mandated vocational counselor interrogation.
EDINBURGH, GLASGOW, DUBLIN – KEEP ON MOVING
3/1/2020 Edinburgh. Train to Glasgow. Rogue’s gig. Such a fun fantasy. Lights, rain, glow. Music. Magic. Exhausting, draining, lovable Rogue. Not sure what I’m doing, but it’s not boring. Back in divorce hell – vocational exam. Court dates. Get this done.
3/6/20 Dublin. Great day trip with Son yesterday. Newgrange, Drogheda. Bought my triskelion necklace based on the ancient symbols found here. Rumblings of Corona. Weird vibe in the air. On train.
3/7/20 Shooting footage of Rogue for a documentary. Eerie empty streets. This talk of Corona virus. World wide. He and I hunkering down in my Thistle Street flat.
3/9/20 After shoot, panicking a bit – no plans. When am I going back? To hell house and situation. Rogue wants me to stay through March. We’re a team to overcome obstacles. Tempting indeed.
“CORONA VIRUS”?
3/11/20 Massive anxiety, uncertainty, worry. This damn corona virus has the world turned upside down. “Social distancing”. Cancelling USC classes, graduation? Trips. Everything to look forward to. So much stress. Just want to enjoy life and positive film steps at this point.
3/15/20 Son’s 24th b-day. He’s off to Greece. Covid 19 madness. Never experienced anything like this. World shutting down. “Trapped” in Scotland. Daughter – sudden appendicitis, surgery in LA. Unreal. Ex there. Nothing I can do. Horrible being away.
Rogue makes me tea, coffee, breakfast, vitamins. Role reversal, nurturing.
UNCERTAINTY, DOOM AND GLOOM
3/21/2020 Uncertainty. Doom and gloom. California on total lockdown. Last night UK shut down all pubs and restaurants. Overwhelming sadness and depression.
Browns, Tiger Lily, Gusto, Fazenda, Ivy, Refinery, Wahaca, endless memories. Will it ever be normal again?
All travel, graduations, Rogue coming to LA with me. All cancelled. I think we spent 8 days together. He invited me to band rehearsal. I couldn’t do it. Feeling despondent and overwhelmed with indecision. Stopped at US consulate. He went with me. Calton Tower day before. Now I’m alone in Armageddon and I don’t know what I’m going to do. Terrifying. Sad.
Ex told me to not come back. Need divorce over. Talked with attorney. Idiotic vocational exam looming. Money matters down the toilet. Courts closed indefinitely.
3/22/2020 Resigned. Life as we know it is over. Magic is over. I hiked to Arthur’s Peak. Goodbye Edinburgh? Will I ever return? Will I not see family for months, years? My son? Who knew goodbyes were for so long. Mom and Dad – I’m so worried. Daughter, her surgery. Staying with Ex now. Ex wants me to stay away. Rogue, “We’re in it together”. My flat closing. I have to leave. Son nearly trapped in Greece. U.S. ready for nationwide lockdown. What to do?
Leaning towards accepting my fate and going back..
GOODBYE U.K., IRELAND, HELLO LOCKDOWN
3/24/2020 And here I am. In the air – United last flight out of Dublin. Goodbye my son, for who knows how long. In air last night from Edinburgh, UK went on severe lockdown. So dramatic.
Last 24 hours with Rogue was negative. I bought my return ticket. He came over Sunday afternoon. He started getting ill. Stayed on couch, feverish. One of my flights was cancelled. Almost changed my mind about leaving. He hated my indecisiveness. I got him meds, groceries, a care package. Yesterday, sick, he stayed until I left, helping me to my Uber. Goodbye. (Turned out he had Covid).
So dramatic leaving, then, bam it’s lockdown.
Glad I have no wifi for 7 hours. Best to not engage with the world madness.
Ultimately I’m alone. Will quarantine for 14 days. Self reflect. Get divorced. Try to continue my projects. Will they be relevant?
2020 started so well.
Two scripts optioned. Rogue. World travel. Films in motion. 2 kids graduating. Graduation trips.
Poof. All gone.
The world has changed as we know it. Will we travel and fly again?
Continued in “Quarantine Chronicles”…
Below: A collection of photos pre-lockdown.
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