Second Chapter Nomad here.
I am currently choosing to be happy and finding the brightness in this unexpected second chapter. I am traveling the world as a nomad. But let’s get real, divorce for women just as they become empty nesters is not only emotionally and psychologically devastating, but it is cause for financial disaster. As I speak to more women in this situation, the story is often the same. And it is frightening and painful.
I started as a “nomad” by circumstance.
It was a pandemic. I was in the middle of a divorce. Forced to get an Airbnb to lockdown in March 2020 so as not to lockdown in the family home with my soon to be Ex mid contentious divorce proceedings. My Son was in Ireland, my Daughter in LA. As the pandemic went on, I bounced around to Mexico (cheaper), then a road trip across America (all documented in other blog posts). The nomad life turned into a life choice. Perhaps running away from the hell that was my previous home. Living out of suitcases and a storage unit as Ex and his latest Woman (T2 in the blog) live in the family home.
“Get an apartment”
I truly have embraced this lifestyle. But let’s be honest. As a writer without a traditional “job”, as a homemaker/mom of twenty years out of the workforce while Ex ran a business out of state, a “room mom/soccer mom/PTA mom/homework helper/welcoming home to all the neighborhood kids and school friends/community volunteer – blah blah blah” – I can’t even qualify on my own to rent an apartment! Much less own a home. It’s not a choice anymore. Income three times the rent? On my own? No chance. And I have back up. I’m lucky. I stay at my parents’ beautiful home in California for periods of times (in my 50s!). I cat sit in London. But many women aren’t so lucky.
“Unmarried Person”
From being a solid middle class homeowner with health insurance, life insurance, retirement, putting kids through university (thank goodness!), family travel, cars to drive, to losing it all. There is no more family health insurance. I have to get it for “one”. Falling through the cracks. My car insurance bill arrived today – doubled. I never noticed it says, ” This vehicle is driven for pleasure, unmarried person”. UNMARRIED PERSON. Why thank you for pointing that out! Mind you, this car is just one (a 2012 VW) of Ex’s I got in the divorce.
Besides the constant stress from the divorce and the permanent fallout of the family that is no more (hello holidays!), health deteriorates as one can’t afford any of the preventative measures one was accustomed to from the dentist to doctor visits, to skin, hair, all of it. Falling apart physically, just as you’re suddenly “single” (or should I say “unmarried”?).
From my own experience and that of many I’ve talked to, it’s the degrading, humbling feeling of having been successful, pursuing the “American Dream”, and having it snatched away because of a divorce brought on in these cases by Hubby’s new “life choices”. All the years of raising the children, running a home, to being discarded, tossed aside, used up, spit out – not just by Ex, but by our government’s rules and society as well.
“Get a Job”
People say “get a job”. In your late 50s you’re supposed to find a job that actually pays you enough to survive? What are these jobs and who is hiring older women who have been out of the traditional workforce?
I am an educated woman, having earned a Masters Degree in Education and teaching credential from UCLA. I taught recent immigrant children in kindergarten and third grade in LA and Cleveland, Ohio for seven years, right up until I gave birth to our son. We decided as a family that I would not continue teaching, especially as Baby #2 arrived two years later and we moved back to my hometown in California. Hubby continued our entire marriage working in Ohio in the “family” business and commuting.
I was the stable force at home with the kids, pursuing my writing while the kids were at school, but I gave it up at one point to go back for four years teaching part time, and even went back to school to add a Special Education degree. I shuttled my kids to junior high, high school and then myself to the elementary school to work all day, and then attend night school for a year. After this extremely challenging year, we all agreed this wasn’t working as a family. I made a few attempts to get a teaching job in the area, but even then in my 40s, recent college grads were hired over me. Hubby was successful with his business and I was able to get back to writing and focusing on our teenagers, helping them apply to college, etc.
The Vocational Exam
One of the most degrading, humiliating experiences of the divorce, mid-pandemic, was being court ordered to complete a grueling five hour “vocational” exam/interrogation under oath via Zoom. I was forced to recount every detail of every job I’d had since high school all with the intent to prove I wasn’t deserving of alimony. Court papers soon followed (which often sent me into body freezing panic attacks) suggesting I be a substitute teacher in a town 45 minutes away – when schools weren’t even open during the pandemic. Please tell me what woman can fully support herself on substitute teaching wages? After a year and a half of the divorce proceedings that were destroying me, I surrendered and walked away without any alimony. I let hubby buy me out of the family home, and I fled. The price of freedom.
Tax Laws you Unmarried Person
Then there are the taxes. Now I understand the penalty for being unmarried:
“Marriage allows a couple to file joint tax returns, resulting in a bigger tax break that isn’t offered to singles. For instance, joint filers are eligible for more tax credits than single filers are. Couples can often share the cost of insurance, such as auto coverage and health coverage.” https://www.forbes.com/advisor/personal-finance/survey-singles-tax
Let’s Talk About It!
I have hit the three year mark since my divorce finalized and the vicious downward spiral is speeding up. A lot of the ramifications of the end of a lengthy marriage and family unit are just now hitting. I talk to others that are much further down the path, and they are depressed and frightened.
In my case, I am determined to succeed on my own. I am a Writer. That’s what I’m going to do. I was a Teacher, but I don’t have to continue that path in the traditional sense; I want to help and motivate others in this situation, and educate younger women to be more prepared to be financially independent. I also want to shine a light on this plight of the divorced, middle-aged woman, a subject I haven’t seen written about too much.
Don’t get me wrong. Would I go back to my former life? At this stage, not a chance. I will continue to forge ahead in this challenging time, and embrace the positives of this second chapter, free, untethered, and independent. I hope you’ll share this journey with me, and speak up about your own stories, concerns, and hopefully your bright spots along the way.
Books to Help
I have found many books that have resonated with me lately. Maggie Smith’s gorgeous, heart wrenching “You Could Make This Place Beautiful”, Kimberly Harrington’s “But You Seemed So Happy”, Cheryl Strayed “Tiny Beautiful Things” both book and series, Rosie Green’s “How to Heal a Broken Heart”, and Vikki Stark’s “Runaway Husband’s”. Arthur C. Brooks and Oprah’s “Build the Life You Want” is a great one to work on choosing happiness.
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